


Space

by SharkEnthusiast



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Adam Parrish Has No Chill, Adam Parrish Loves Ronan Lynch, Adam Parrish Swears, Adam-Centric, Angst, College Student Adam Parrish, Gen, M/M, Robert Parrish Is His Own Warning, Ronan Lynch Has Feelings, Ronan Lynch Loves Adam Parrish, Ronan Lynch is Bad at Feelings, let him do that., robert parrish can go die, this is actual trash do not speak to me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-19
Updated: 2019-11-19
Packaged: 2021-02-13 12:33:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21494362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SharkEnthusiast/pseuds/SharkEnthusiast
Summary: Adam goes to class. Answers all the questions right, receives acceptance letters in the mail, works at Boyd’s. Studies late and hard to get high scores on all the tests. He doesn’t sleep. There is not enough time for that.He is running on empty. Adam doesn’t care. He has math homework to do.
Relationships: Adam Parrish & Blue Sargent, Noah Czerny & Richard Gansey III & Ronan Lynch & Adam Parrish & Blue Sargent, Richard Gansey III & Adam Parrish, Richard Gansey III/Blue Sargent, Ronan Lynch & Adam Parrish, Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish
Comments: 7
Kudos: 117





	Space

**Author's Note:**

> I havent finished call down the hawk but im pretty sure this is still somewhat relevent???? even if I haven't read it all. I don't really know. Enjoy, though!!

Adam knows he’s running on close to nothing. It’s the last semester of Aglionby, his scholarship to Harvard is all set up and ready. Rationally, he knows there should be nothing to worry about. 

Nothing has been rational lately.

Gansey had died. His heart had stopped, breathing ceased. He had gone cold. Adam knew, because he had seen it, seen his face still and peaceful and seen Ronan cry over him, and seen Blue cry over him before it happened, seen Gansey dead, dead, _ dead. _He had felt empty. 

Adam thinks he’s felt that way ever since. 

He goes to class. Answers all the questions right, receives acceptance letters in the mail, works at Boyd’s. He doesn’t sleep. There is not enough time for that.

He is running on empty. Adam doesn’t care. He has math homework to do. 

Ronan is worried, probably. Adam knows he shouldn’t revert back to old ways, but he hates the fact that Ronan is allowed to feel that way. He hates that sometimes Gansey even looks at him that way, Gansey who was dead because of Adam, who died because of his pride, because of his stupid anger. 

Gansey, rain splattered, cold, still, _ dead. _Adam wishes he knew why he feels this guilty. 

Ronan stops him at the door of St Agnes as Adam is stumbling in from a long shift at Boyd’s. His fingers touch Adams shoulders, featherlight, delicate, opposite of Ronan. Adam had almost forgotten that they kissed. 

“You missed movie night last week.” 

Adam does not want to speak.

“Blue was mad.” He continues. His hand is still on his shoulder, and Adam wants nothing more than to shrug it off. 

“Oh.” He says then, because he needs to fill the space, because the BMW’s headlights are blinding, because his limbs ache, because Ronan looks all too soft. 

Adam does not know what he did to deserve this side of him.

Ronan is standing there, and his hand is on Adams shoulder, and the space between his eyebrows isn’t as hard as it usually is. 

“Wanna go inside?” Ronan asks. Adam knows he doesn’t. It’s cold out, and the heat doesn’t work in his apartment. 

He unlocks the door anyway. 

Climbs up the stairs, unlocks that door, too, flips on the lamp he bought from target for 20 bucks. Shuts the door of the bathroom so Ronan cannot see the sink filled with aluminum foil from Adam attempts to scry again.

(Really, it’s pathetic he even tries.)

“Adam,” Ronan starts. At least he is not touching him anymore. “What’s wrong.”

Ah. There it is. 

“Don’t give me bullshit on this, Parrish.” Ronan is harsh again. Something in Adam's chest relaxes. Sometimes, it scares him how different Ronan can be. “You avoid us. You look like you haven’t slept in a week and you work all the time and we are all worried about you, man.”

Fuck.

“And it’s not college, cause you already got into to fucking Harvard and you’ll be leaving this fall.”

Fuck.

Adam wants to sleep. 

“Adam.”

“I feel bad,” Adam swallows. “Like all the time, Ronan.” 

He wishes Ronan would express something. “Like, I feel like shit, and there is so much stuff to do with packing and school and the emancipation forms and just.”

He stops. Fiddles with the hem of his fraying shirt. “And I’m tired all the time, and Glendower was dead and I have this gap in my head from where Cabeswater was and Gansey fucking _ died and it was all my fault.” _

“Adam-”

“And I’m leaving this fall and I don’t know what to do cause you guys are the first friends I ever even _ had, _and.” He does not look up. Rubs his eyes. He’s relieved to notice he’s not crying. He feels like he might collapse at any moment. “I just feel terrible.” 

“It’s okay.” Ronan says. Adam wants to laugh.

“Okay.”

“No, man. We can visit you at college, and it’s not like this is fucking goodbye or whatever cause we’ll still be best friends. And Gansey?”

Adams breath hitches.

(Gansey, rolled to the side of the road, rain splattered, cold, still, _ dead. _)

“Not your fault, man.” 

“It was.” Adam says, because it was, it was, _ it was, _and the pit inside of him is growing and dear god, he does not want to leave them. Leave this Ronan in front of him, soft-harsh, or Blue, strict-kind, Henry, wild-quiet, or Gansey who used to be dead but isn’t anymore. 

Ronan sets him mouth.

“How in fuck was it your fault.”

“Cause I knew it was going to happen!” His voice catches. “Cause of the tree in Cabeswater and Blue being and obvious and just. I knew. And I could have stopped it.” 

“Parrish.” Ronan says, feather-light again. “Doesn’t matter if you fucking knew. He’s alive now.”

Adam stands there, bones aching, head throbbing, skin too tight all together, because Ronan is right. Gansey is _ alive. _

Fuck. Gansey is alive, and Adam has still been fucking avoiding them. 

“I don’t know what the fuck to do with you, either.” Adam blurts then, because he doesn’t. 

“What?”

Adam doesn’t know what to do with Ronan, what compartment in his brain to slot him in, so he grabs Ronan’s cheeks and closes the space in between them. Ronan’s mouth is warm, because he is alive. God, Ronan Lynch is so fucking alive it hurts.

“I’ll visit.” Ronan says later. His hand is balanced on Adams, his other in his hair. His eyes are so, so, scarily blue.

Adam kisses him again. He knows kissing Ronan won’t make everything right. Won’t make scars disappear, won’t make the worry knotted in the pit of Adam’s stomach go away either. Won’t erase the dread that Adam cannot remember not feeling. It won’t make everything right, but right now, it feels like it should. 

“I know.” Adam whispers back. 

There is no space in between them.

**Author's Note:**

> I hate this so much but it's written so im posting it because im an addict for kudos. I hoped you liked it okay even if it was pretty dumb.


End file.
